How to Help Someone Experiencing Domestic Abuse

Watching someone you care about experience domestic abuse can be heartbreaking. You may feel frustrated, worried, or unsure of what to do. You might wonder why they don't leave, how you can help, or whether saying the wrong thing could make the situation worse. 

The truth is that supporting someone experiencing domestic abuse isn't about having all the answers. It's about offering understanding, patience, and practical support while helping them make informed decisions about their own safety. 

At Non Violentiam, we work with women across Birmingham who are rebuilding their lives after domestic abuse. We also support family members and friends who want to help but don't know where to start. 

Understanding Domestic Abuse 

Domestic abuse is a pattern of behaviour used by one person to gain power and control over another in an intimate or family relationship. It is not limited to physical violence and can include: 

• Emotional abuse  

• Psychological abuse  

• Coercive and controlling behaviour  

• Financial abuse  

• Sexual abuse  

• Digital abuse  

• Stalking and harassment  

• Threats and intimidation  

Many people experiencing domestic abuse do not have visible injuries, but the emotional and psychological impact can be just as devastating. 

Signs Someone May Be Experiencing Domestic Abuse 

Every situation is different, but there are common warning signs that someone may be living in an abusive relationship. 

They may: 

• Become withdrawn or unusually anxious  

• Cancel plans at the last minute  

• Seem fearful of upsetting their partner  

• Frequently check in with their partner or seek permission  

• Have unexplained injuries or make unlikely excuses  

• Lose confidence or self-esteem  

• Become isolated from friends and family  

• Have little access to money  

• Appear stressed, depressed or frightened  

• Receive constant calls or messages from their partner  

Not everyone will display these signs, and some people become very skilled at hiding what is happening. 

Start With a Conversation 

If you're concerned, choose a private and safe time to talk. 

Rather than making accusations, approach the conversation with kindness and concern. 

You could say: 

• "I've noticed you don't seem yourself lately."  

• "I'm worried about you."  

• "You don't have to go through this alone."  

• "I'm here whenever you want to talk."  

Give them time to respond. 

Some people may deny anything is wrong because they are frightened, embarrassed or not yet ready to talk. 

That's okay. 

Knowing someone cares can make a significant difference. 

Listen Without Judgement 

One of the most important things you can do is simply listen. 

Allow them to tell their story without interrupting or trying to solve everything immediately. 

Avoid asking questions like: 

• "Why don't you just leave?"  

• "Why did you stay?"  

• "What did you do to make them angry?"  

These questions can unintentionally increase feelings of shame. 

Instead, remind them: 

• "I believe you."  

• "This isn't your fault."  

• "You don't deserve this."  

• "I'm glad you told me."  

Being believed is often the first step towards seeking help. 

Understand Why Leaving Isn't Easy 

Many people wonder why someone stays in an abusive relationship. 

The reality is that leaving can be one of the most dangerous times for someone experiencing domestic abuse. 

People may stay because they: 

• Fear violence will escalate  

• Worry about their children  

• Depend financially on their partner  

• Have nowhere safe to go  

• Hope the abuse will stop  

• Love their partner despite the abuse  

• Feel isolated  

• Lack confidence after years of manipulation  

Understanding these barriers helps you offer compassion instead of judgement. 

Offer Practical Support 

Small acts of support can make a huge difference. 

You could: 

• Help them research support services  

• Offer to accompany them to appointments  

• Keep copies of important documents if safe  

• Look after children during appointments  

• Help them prepare an emergency bag  

• Offer a safe place to talk  

• Check in regularly  

Always ask what they need rather than assuming. 

Supporting their choices helps rebuild confidence and independence. 

Help Them Create a Safety Plan 

If someone is not ready to leave, encourage them to think about ways to stay as safe as possible. 

A safety plan might include: 

• Keeping emergency contacts accessible  

• Packing essential items in advance  

• Identifying safe places to go  

• Having a trusted person they can call  

• Agreeing on a code word for emergencies  

• Keeping important documents together  

Safety planning is most effective when tailored to the individual's circumstances. 

What Not to Do 

Although your intentions may be good, some actions can make things more difficult. 

Try to avoid: 

• Pressuring them to leave immediately  

• Speaking negatively about their partner  

• Giving ultimatums  

• Contacting the abusive partner  

• Sharing information without permission  

• Taking control of their decisions  

Leaving is a personal decision, and forcing the issue may cause someone to withdraw from support. 

If Children Are Involved 

Children are also affected by domestic abuse, even if they never witness physical violence. 

Living in an environment of fear and control can affect their emotional wellbeing, behaviour and development. 

If you believe children are at immediate risk of harm, it is important to seek professional advice or contact emergency services if necessary. 

Supporting the non-abusive parent is often one of the best ways to improve outcomes for children. 

Encourage Professional Support 

Friends and family play an important role, but specialist organisations can provide expert advice, safety planning and practical support. 

Encourage your loved one to speak to: 

• A domestic abuse support service  

• Their GP  

• A health visitor or midwife  

• Their local authority  

• A trusted employer if appropriate  

Let them know they can seek advice even if they are not ready to leave the relationship. 

Looking After Yourself 

Supporting someone experiencing domestic abuse can be emotionally challenging. 

Remember to: 

• Maintain your own wellbeing  

• Seek advice from professionals if you're unsure what to do  

• Respect your own boundaries  

• Accept that you cannot force someone to leave  

Your ongoing support may become one of the reasons they eventually feel able to seek help. 

How Non Violentiam Can Help 

At Non Violentiam, we provide compassionate, trauma-informed support for women affected by domestic abuse across Birmingham. 

We offer: 

• One-to-one support  

• Safety planning  

• Housing guidance  

• Emotional wellbeing support  

• Advocacy  

• Signposting to specialist services  

• Help rebuilding confidence and independence  

We also understand how difficult it can be for friends and family who want to help, and we can provide guidance on how to offer safe and effective support. 

Frequently Asked Questions 

What should I say to someone experiencing domestic abuse? 

The most helpful things you can say are: 

• "I believe you."  

• "This isn't your fault."  

• "I'm here for you."  

• "How can I help?"  

Listening without judgement is often more valuable than trying to solve the situation. 

Should I tell them to leave? 

Rather than telling someone what to do, help them explore their options and encourage them to speak with a specialist domestic abuse service. Leaving can increase the risk of harm, so it should be carefully planned. 

What if they keep going back? 

It is common for people to leave and return several times before leaving permanently. Continue offering support without judgement, as maintaining trust is essential. 

Can I report domestic abuse on someone else's behalf? 

If someone is in immediate danger, call 999. If there is no immediate risk, encourage the person to seek help themselves while continuing to support them. If children or vulnerable adults are at risk, safeguarding concerns should be reported to the appropriate authorities. 

You Could Be the Person Who Makes a Difference 

You don't need to have all the answers to help someone experiencing domestic abuse. 

By listening, believing them, respecting their choices and helping them access specialist support, you can play a vital role in their journey towards safety and recovery. 

If someone you care about is affected by domestic abuse, Non Violentiam is here to provide confidential, compassionate support. Together, we can help women build safer, stronger futures free from abuse.