Helping a victim of domestic abuse: a guide for mothers and those supporting them

You may be worried about a mother you care about, or unsure how to respond if someone tells you they are experiencing abuse. You may be looking for support yourself and want to know what help could look like. Helping a victim of domestic abuse starts with listening, checking immediate safety and respecting her choices.

What should I do if someone is in immediate danger?

Call 999 if you or someone else is in immediate danger. If you cannot speak when calling from a mobile, follow the operator’s instructions and press 55 when prompted. GOV.UK explains how to get help for domestic abuse.

If there is no immediate danger but you need advice, you can call the 24-hour National Domestic Abuse Helpline on 0808 2000 247. Friends and family who are worried about someone can call too.

How can I ask if I am worried about someone?

Choose a private moment when the person causing harm cannot overhear. You could say, “I’ve noticed you seem worried. Is everything OK at home?” or “Do you feel safe in your relationship?”

Listen without pushing for an answer. She may not be ready to talk, may not recognise what is happening as abuse, or may be concerned about the consequences of telling someone. Let her know she can speak to you later if she wants to.

Domestic abuse is not always physical. As the GOV.UK guidance explains, it can include coercive control, economic abuse, online abuse, threats, and emotional or sexual abuse.

What should I say if someone tells me about abuse?

You could say, “Thank you for telling me. I believe you. This is not your fault.” Ask what she needs and listen to her answer. Avoid questioning why she stayed, suggesting she caused the abuse or promising to keep information secret in every circumstance.

If you are a professional, explain your responsibilities and any limits to confidentiality in plain English. Where possible, involve her in decisions about sharing information, while following your safeguarding duties.

How can I help without increasing risk or pressure?

Ask what feels safe for her rather than deciding what she should do. Leaving, reporting to the police or making a referral may not be safe or possible for her right now. You can offer to listen, help her consider options and stay in contact in a way she chooses.

Before calling, messaging or sharing a link, check safety together where you can:

1. Ask privately how to contact her. Find out whether a call, text or email is safe, and when and how she would prefer you to get in touch.

2. Check the device and account. Ask whether the person causing harm can access her phone, email or other accounts. Do not assume a device is private.

3. Agree what you can say or send. A message, link or missed call may be visible to someone else. Do not send information about abuse or accommodation unless she agrees it is safe.

4. Review the plan if circumstances change. If a contact method no longer feels safe, agree another way to communicate if possible. Avoid relying on deleting messages or browsing history as a guarantee of privacy.

If you are concerned about a friend or family member, you can also ask the police for information about a partner’s abusive past under the Domestic Violence Disclosure Scheme, known as Clare’s Law. Police consider whether a disclosure is lawful, proportionate and necessary. Think about safe communication and possible risks before making an enquiry.

What practical help can I offer?

Ask what would be useful now. She may want help finding advice, preparing for an appointment, understanding her finances or exploring somewhere safe to stay. Offer choices rather than taking over.

If she wants to explore supported accommodation in Birmingham, you can help her think about unsafe locations, safe travel, her support needs and how she can be contacted safely. A conversation does not commit her to leaving. Each referral is assessed individually for safety, risk, support needs and suitability; a place is not guaranteed.

You do not need every detail or document before making a first enquiry.

How can I support a pregnant woman or a mother with children?

Ask about her safety and her children’s safety without assuming that leaving is straightforward. You might say, “Is there anything you’re worried about for the children?” or “What support would make things feel safer for you and your family?”

If she is pregnant, she may want support to reach her midwife, GP or maternity care. A mother may also want help connecting with a health visitor, child health services or support for a child’s emotional wellbeing. Ask what she wants shared and whether contact with those services is safe.

If you are a professional, consider the children’s needs alongside the mother’s wishes and follow your safeguarding responsibilities. Explain what information you need to share and why, wherever it is safe and appropriate to do so.

Why might someone seem withdrawn or change their mind?

Someone experiencing abuse may seem withdrawn, uncertain or decide against a step they previously wanted to take. They may be weighing up safety, money, housing, their children’s needs or the possible consequences of being discovered. These responses do not mean they do not need help, and no single behaviour is proof that abuse is happening.

Some people prefer the word “survivor”; others prefer “victim” or neither term. “Survivor” can recognise a person’s strength and agency, but there is no required way to describe yourself. Use the language the person prefers.

Where can I get advice or make a safe referral?

You can call the National Domestic Abuse Helpline for advice, whether you are experiencing abuse or supporting someone else. The GOV.UK guidance linked above is also available in translated and easy-read versions and as a British Sign Language video.

If you are a professional making a referral to us, where possible make sure the woman knows about it and agrees before sharing her information. Check whether and when it is safe for us to call, text or email her, and provide safe contact details. Tell us about any known risks, unsafe locations, children, support needs and existing safety plans. We explain how information will be used and shared; where there is a serious safeguarding concern, information may be shared without consent in line with legal requirements and safeguarding procedures.

You can make a referral or enquiry online. If you are looking for help yourself, you can contact us directly without a professional referral.

How Non Violentiam CIC can help

Non Violentiam CIC is a not-for-profit provider of female-only supported accommodation for women experiencing domestic abuse, including pregnant women, mothers and young children. Our accommodation is across Birmingham, and we also work in Sandwell. Support includes individual safety planning, practical and emotional support, and help accessing health, family and housing services.

To learn more, visit Non Violentiam CIC’s website or contact our team.