What Not to Say to Someone Experiencing Domestic Abuse

Avoid questions or comments that blame, doubt or pressure someone experiencing domestic abuse. Phrases such as ‘Why don’t you just leave?’, ‘What did you do to make them angry?’ or ‘Are you sure it’s really abuse?’ can make her feel judged or less able to talk. Instead, listen, take her seriously and ask what support would feel safe and useful to her.

Domestic abuse can include emotional and psychological abuse, coercive control, financial abuse and technology-facilitated abuse, as well as physical or sexual abuse. GOV.UK explains what domestic abuse can involve and how to get help.

Words that can cause harm — and what to say instead

Even well-meant comments can leave someone feeling blamed or alone. Try to avoid:

• ‘Why don’t you leave?’ Leaving may feel unsafe or difficult, and there can be many practical and personal considerations. Try: ‘You don’t have to decide anything now. What would help you feel safer?’

• ‘Why did you stay?’ or ‘Why did you go back?’ These questions can sound accusatory. Try: ‘I’m glad you told me. I’m here to listen, whenever you’re ready.’

• ‘It can’t be that bad’ or ‘I’m sure they didn’t mean it.’ Don’t minimise what she has experienced or explain it away. Try: ‘I believe you. You deserve to be treated with respect.’

• ‘You should report it’ or ‘You have to leave for the children.’ Avoid telling her what she must do. Try: ‘We can talk through your options, and you can choose what feels right for you and your children.’

• ‘I would never put up with that.’ This can sound like criticism, even if you mean to show support. Try: ‘You don’t deserve to be treated this way. How can I support you?’

You do not need perfect words. Listening without judgement, respecting her choices and staying in touch can matter more than having an answer straight away.

How to support her safely and practically

Ask open, gentle questions such as ‘What are you most worried about right now?’ or ‘Is it safe for me to contact you?’ Let her set the pace. Don’t contact the person causing harm, make plans on her behalf or share what she has told you without permission, unless there is a serious safeguarding concern or an immediate emergency.

If you are supporting someone in a professional role, explain clearly how you will use and share information. Where possible, make sure she knows about and agrees to a referral, and check that it is safe to contact her using the details provided. Avoid leaving messages or sending information if she has said those could put her at risk.

If she wants help exploring options, you could offer to sit with her while she contacts a specialist service, find out about local support or help with a practical task. A referral or conversation does not commit her to a particular decision. GOV.UK’s guidance on getting help with domestic abuse sets out options, including specialist support.

Apologies, promises and the possibility of change

An apology on its own does not show that someone’s behaviour has changed. What matters is whether they take responsibility without blaming her, respect her boundaries and show sustained change over time. She does not have to wait for change, accept an apology or remain in contact to give someone another chance.

If someone is worried about their own behaviour and wants to change, Respect offers information and support. Her safety and choices should remain central, whatever the other person promises.

Emotional support and services in Birmingham

Emotional abuse is real, even if there are no visible injuries. A specialist domestic abuse service can help someone understand what is happening, consider safety and explore available support. Women’s Aid provides information and support resources, and the 24-hour National Domestic Abuse Helpline, run by Refuge, can be reached on 0808 2000 247.

In Birmingham, external services include Anawim and Birmingham and Solihull Women’s Aid. They are separate organisations from Non Violentiam CIC. The right service depends on the woman’s circumstances and the support she wants.

If she is in immediate danger, call 999. If she cannot speak on a mobile, she can follow the operator’s instructions and press 55 when prompted. The National Domestic Abuse Helpline is available 24 hours a day on 0808 2000 247.

How Non Violentiam CIC can help

Non Violentiam CIC is a not-for-profit specialist provider of safe, female-only supported accommodation across Birmingham for women experiencing domestic abuse, including pregnant women, mothers and young children. Women can contact us directly; a professional referral is not required. Each referral is assessed individually, and accommodation is not guaranteed.

Support is personalised and survivor-led. It can include individual safety planning, emotional and practical support, help accessing health and family services, housing and tenancy support, and help preparing for independent living. We are not a 24-hour emergency refuge or a clinical therapy service.

If contacting us, use a phone, email or device the person causing harm cannot access, and tell us when and how it is safe to respond. You can contact Non Violentiam CIC or find out about making a referral.

In an emergency, call 999. For confidential support at any time, call the 24-hour National Domestic Abuse Helpline on 0808 2000 247.